goals

i'm not usually not one to make new years resolutions. i believe that any time of the year is appropriate for making/having/achieving goals. but for some reason, this coming new year has pushed me to finally create these lists, as i've been wanting to.

so here are some things i want to accomplish, this year:

1. write in a paper journal every day.

2. write a poem a day for an entire month (that isn't february. that's cheating.)

3. practice playing my guitar daily.

4. GRADUATE.

5. open a punk house with skyla when our lease is up (sorry, mom.)

6. finish the riot grrrl kent zine.

7. finish more than two issues of my own zine.

8. read, at least, a book a week after graduation.

9. write, at least, one letter per week.

10. START A BAND. a serious one. that practices regularly, and plays shows.

11. release an album/ep (whether on my own or with said band.)

12. write and release a poetry chapbook.

13. go to a zine fest (preferably the portland zine symposium.)

14. visit my uncle in seattle.

15. meet amber forrester in person (we've been friends for too long to not have met!)

16. get jango fixed (yeaaa that still hasn't happened.)

17. get my license (is it sad this isn't a top priority?)

18. bike to cleveland (bereafest?)

19. finish my existing tattoo, as well as get my pineapple tattoo with my sister, my teaching tattoo (a drawing by one of my 4th graders from this semester), and any other tattoo i can.

20. successfully make over-easy/medium eggs on my own.

21. learn to bake yummy vegan treats, and bread.

and these are things i want to accomplish at some point in time:

1. go on tour. with my band, someone else's band, or a zine tour.

2. teach overseas (i do want to do this, just not immediately after graduation.)

3. bike farther than cleveland.

4. volunteer at the rock camp for girls.

5. go to graduate school. for what? dunno yet.

6. get published. beyond d.i.y. publishing (though i love it.)

7. learn to play the drums.

8. organize a fest (music, zines, etc.)

9. teach. i'm pretty sure it's what i want to "do."

10. open a zine library (even if it's just within my own punk house.)

11. volunteer at a women's clinic.

12. take dance lessons. any kind.

13. have a vegetable garden.

14. adopt a pug.

15. learn to repair and build bikes.

16. complete a short story that i really love.

17. overcome my issues with sex (probably gonna be a lifelong thing.)

18. have a record released on seafoam green vinyl.

19. own enough books to fill a room.

20. build and use a darkroom.

21. move out of ohio.

i know there's way more i want to do in life but these are just some things i thought of right now. what are your goals for 2010? for the next five years? ten years?

***edit***

thought of two other general goals:

22. try pineapple flavored kit kats!

23. convince ted leo to play "i need a roof" live (mentioned on twitter earlier this week. no response. one day, ted. one day.)

christmas (one seriously long post!)

my sister and i drew portraits of one another as a christmas present for our grandparents. we wanted to get cheesy studio portraits done with winter wonderland backdrops and matching christmas sweaters, but never had the chance to get together and do such a thing, so this became the next best option. they loved them. here's the one she drew of me:

talent. my family has it.

i spent the sunday before christmas with my mom's side of the family-- what i consider my more "immediate" family- my mom, sister, and (maternal) grandparents. i spent christmas eve evening at the pufferbelly with brett (free peach martini thanks to a friend working, and splurged on a deliciously filling $11 plate of pasta with artichoke hearts, olives, roasted red peppers, sundried tomatoes and garlic). then i stayed up til 3 AM cooking vegan eats for my uncle and i to have on christmas day, watching "happiness" and drinking lambic.

christmas day i was picked up in the morning by jack, who was kind enough to drive me to strongsville, where my aunt lives. i was the first to arrive. my uncle (who lives in seattle and i had not seen in 9-10 years, since i went to visit him there the summer after my father passed) and grandmother arrived with my other aunt's husband, and soon after the rest of the family (said other aunt and her five children.) i haven't seen my dad's side of the family since christmas of 2006, besides that time i randomly ran into one of my aunts and cousins at the berea dairy queen while serene, corey farrow and i waited for max-- the drag king i very briefly dated-- to get home from work so we could go to b-sides. if this tells you anything about how much my dad's side of the family seems to care about keeping up communication with me, i gave my aunt my new cell phone number that day and she replied "good. maybe we'll see you at christmas?" this was in june. i replied "or sooner?" but i knew it wouldn't happen.

this was most likely the most emotional christmas i've had in awhile. my uncle brought pictures to share (of course) and as we reached ones of my dad he turned and asked if i was okay with seeing them. had he not asked, i would have been fine, but it seems when people ask if i'm okay, that's when i break down in tears. some of it was the usual missing, some of it was wondering if my smaller cousins even knew who this person in the pictures was-- as the oldest of them was only ten or so, and the youngest just born, when he passed. plus there are no pictures of him around my aunts' houses that i've seen. i wonder if they ever even mention him.

at dinner one of my aunts grimaced at the sight of the lentil-stuffed portabella caps and vegan mashed sweet potatoes i'd prepared for my uncle and i. she asked what a lentil was and i couldn't imagine life without knowing lentils-- let alone 40+ years of life that way. they insisted we (the pescetarians) could eat the cheddar-broccoli and creamy potato sides they had prepared even though both used cream of chicken soup.

at 7 or so we were picked up by my uncle (and dad's) lifelong friend and former bandmate, jeff. we spent the night at his place and watched videos of their old bands-- three songs from a live shadow of fear show, a basketcase practice video and a garten kirkhof halloween show. seeing any video footage of my dad is always amazing as i'm just finding out any even existed. it was also cool to see both my dad and uncle playing instruments i now own-- dad's old black strat wannabe (that has since been water damaged, unfortunately) and his 72 american made fender p-bass.

after jeff went to bed my uncle and i stayed up until about 2 AM talking about some seriously heavy things-- from never dealing with my dad's death (either of us), depression, suicide attempts, relationships, addiction. it seems strange that after 10 years of not seeing each other, and never having any real "adult" conversations before, i opened up to him so easily. but i truly love my uncle, and am so glad he's still with us.

when i got back to kent yesterday i cried my eyes out for hours. i can't even really tell you why. and even though i have numerous friends in kent, i couldn't think of a single person to call. i didn't want anyone to see me like that, because i don't know how long it's been since i cried that hard and uncontrollably.

today i finished reading "female chauvinist pigs" by ariel levy. i'm about to start lorrie moore's "birds of america" finally, though it's due back to the kent free library by tomorrow and i've already renewed it once.

one of my best friends, katie, is getting married this coming saturday. wednesday we're driving to dayton for her bachelorette party, then driving back thursday so glenna and i can DJ new years eve at my bar (professors pub.) friday morning i'm getting picked up by katie's mom to go back to dayton and get mani-pedis with the rest of the bridal party (i never ever imagined myself saying such a thing), then the rehearsal dinner is that night and the wedding the next day. it will be one busy week, that's for sure!

how was your christmas?

are you making new years resolutions? i think i'm going to finally start working on a list of general life goals (5 year, 10 year, etc.) not just this coming year's.

everyone have a safe holiday!

how does it feel?

this is what i keep doing instead of studying/writing papers:

kathleen hanna, one of my idols.

decisions

as much as i like to let things happen and not worry about the future, i guess i have to decide soon what i want to do post-graduation/once my lease here is up.

current options:
1) start a girl-run punk house here in kent with skyla.
-requires finding 1-2 other ladies with similar interests and goals, as well as a house where we could get away with bands playing and having at least one cat.

2) move to toronto with my sister.
-she mentioned this being a possibility, as they're opening a new ritz-carlton there and she could just transfer. requires figuring out the logistics of moving to canada in the first place.

3) move to portland with alyssa.
-we know people we could crash with til we found a place. still, very far away. very scary.

4) teach english as a second language in another country (i.e. china)
-my friend joe is doing this currently, and has told me before he could help me do the same. with just my english degree. requires leaving jango (scarier than leaving the country!)

5) move to columbus by myself.
-something i've been thinking about doing for awhile.

6) move in with my grandparents in north olmsted.
-they offered this awhile ago. while i'd be saving lots of money, i'd basically be stuck in north olmsted with my grandparents 24/7 until i got a car. kind of the last option.


the prospect of starting up a house is kind of #1 on my list right now, even if it means staying in kent another year. on one hand i'm itching to move away, on the other i do like it here. i like my friends and my job. and i like the idea of working to build a better community (as our house would ideally do a bit more than shows, such as riot grrrl meetings, workshops/skill shares, zine readings, lots of art, potlucks, etc.)

i have to decide by february, though, as that's when skyla needs to know. i know no one else can decide for me but, does anyone have any thoughts/good points to make on the subject?

[x-posted to facebook]

pants

just finished this sketch of skyla (my roommate) and i, for my next zine:

figured i'd post before i cut it up to paste in said zine (which is coming along great already! i think i have all of the writing done. kyle asked me earlier if this zine has a theme and "keepin it posi" and "hope" were the two closest things i could think of.)

i told you your dreams would come true

this song fits my mood today perfectly.

last night we DJed at 157 lounge with evan evolution and mike filly.

i took a nap beforehand and poor glenna was outside my door

knocking for about 20 minutes because i'd shut my phone on silent in

my sleep, apparently. even though we were late it went really well

and we maybe got offered a pretty sweet DJ gig that has been a

secret dream for the two of us since we started doing this, even if

it's a silly dream.

then today kevin and i taught poetry for the last time. last week i

was stupid and drank the night before so i was really sick when we

taught. too sick to even teach, actually. we thought that was our

last day, but thankfully someone shined a light down and forgave me

for my irresponsibility, and we got to go in again today. the 7th

graders gave us a standing ovation, many of them from on top of

their chairs. the 4th graders wrote us letters and wrote poems

(about us/to us.) i am so proud of all of them, and so thankful

they've been a part of my life.

where you been darling, darling?

we've been holding this moment for you.

i told you your dreams would come true.

stupid things crushes make you write

punch drunk

she said it was like that scene from "punch drunk love"

after she watched you and i saying our goodnight-goodbyes.

and bye-bye. and bye-bye? you stupid motherfucker.

she meant it to comfort, as though to say you must

be thinking the same as you walked yourself home--

you stupid motherfucker-- because you hadn't seized

an opportunity to be with me after the bar had closed.

what she didn't realize was that she was describing me,

always, around you-- tongue tripping on words, stomach

churning days after the fact over what i did or did not say,

certain i managed to make a fool out of myself once again.

punch drunk love.

punch drunk fool.

and bye-bye.

writing songs

i feel like every time i go to write a song, i pick a really sad sounding starting chord. and yet i'm trying to write really upbeat things! this is a problem.

my callouses disappearing because i haven't played my guitar in months is also a problem.

sometimes i feel really self-defeating, like i'll never be good at playing guitar. i'm kind of convinced i'll always need someone else to play the songs i write because i just can't seem to execute them well myself. maybe i should've stuck to getting better at bass before picking up guitar or something.

i just wanna be in a band again(!!!)